It's Always Sunny on Bionis
by P.T. Piranha
Summary: A sillier version of Xenoblade Chronicles.
1. Dunban fights off the Mechon

**It's Always Sunny on Bionis**

 **By P.T. Piranha**

Quick note: In every chapter, imagine elevator music when you read the chapter titles.

Other note: If you want, try listening to the appropriate Xenoblade songs while reading this story. Or just listen to Riki's theme the whole time. Either-or.

* * *

" _Long ago, there was only an ocean and nothing else… Oh, and, uh, also these giants, they were there too."_

(As the voice spoke, two giant figures locked swords against each other in the water. One giant was made of white stone, with a single horn on its head. The titan wielded a laser blade.)

" _One titan was the Bionis. It fought its counterpart to the very last, using a sword made of energy."_

(The other titan was metallic, and wielded a large, serrated blade. This titan was fighting back.)

" _The other- Mechonis. I'm not sure where its sword came from, exactly."_

(The Bionis severed the Mechonis' left hand, sending it crashing into the water.)

" _And… that's about it, really. After a while, they just kind of stopped."_

(Mechonis grazed the Bionis on its right waistline, causing green spray to leak out. Bionis attempted an overhead, two-handed slash, but stopped. The energy blade disappeared.)

" _And that's how the world started, true story. Of course, that's not how it ends. After that, the Bionis gave life to several species, living on its body. But so did the Mechonis. It gave rise to the Mechon, literal killing machines that want only to see us dead."_

" _What happened after that was a long story, filled with many twists and turns. Some of you may be familiar with this story. But it was… embellished, to put it lightly. Here's how it truly happened…"_

" _The uncut story of how a small few were able to overwrite destiny itself."_

* * *

It was a dark night in the canyon, with the only light coming from the green tubes placed all along the valley walls.

Several bipedal robots were advancing toward a legion of humanoid soldiers. These robots were essentially turbines on legs. They were blue and gold.

"Aww, I hate these robots!" a soldier complained. His comrade turned to him.

"No, these are Mechon."

"Wh-what?"

"You called them 'robots', but they're Mechon."

The whiny soldier was confused. "Wh-what's the difference?"

"Look, I'm just saying, I think it's only polite to use their official name."

"Who has time to be polite?! They've been trying to slaughter us for years!"

The second soldier crossed his arms. "Well maybe if we were better hosts, this wouldn't have happened." He sighed.

Both of the soldiers were knocked away with an electrical attack. A more decorated soldier got on his knees and shouted to the heavens. "RETREAT! FOR THE LOVE OF BIONIS, RETREAT ALREADY!" a soldier practically cried.

All the other soldiers heeded his order and began to make their retreat. However, one soldier with long hair was running in the opposite direction. "They're taking advantage of the weakness in our right flank." He started slashing at several Mechon with a red-sword containing a beam edge. "These robots seem to know a thing or two."

The two soldiers from earlier were being carried on stretchers. One of them looked over to the other. "Ha. He said 'robots' too. In your face."

With his fancy sword, the long-haired man stabbed one Mechon, ceasing all its functions, and causing it to fall over. He began to sit down behind it like a barrier. Another long-haired man, with blonde hair and a bandanna, ran in.

"Dunban, there ya are!"

"Dickson!" the swordsman immediately focused on his new companion.

"We need to retreat, let's get outta here!"

A larger man with slicked-back black hair and a set of claw gauntlets suddenly appeared next to Dunban and spoke in a guttural, raspy voice. "I like that idea, let's do that, Dunban!"

Dunban put a hand to his chin. "Hmm… We could do that. Or we could stay and fight."

"What?" Dickson and the other man said at once.

" _ **Episode 1 – Dunban fights off the Mechon"**_

* * *

Dunban grinned and held out his red sword. The energy blade was no longer present. "We have the Monado, this'll let us scrap those Mechon. More importantly- I'm awesome. So that will give us all the edge we need."

 **Name: Dunban  
Secret: Never learned to tie his shoes (his sister does it for him)**

Dunban stood up. "Stay with me, and my awesomeness will shield you from harm."

Dickson scoffed.

 **Name: Dickson  
Friends: 0**

"Yeah I saw you earlier, Dunban. Those sparks flying off the Monado. You can't handle it much longer!" Dickson warned. Dunban waved a hand.

"Don't worry, I'm drunk, I won't feel a thing."

The third man's eyes widened. "You're drunk _right now?!_ "

 **Name: Mumkhar  
Friends: -1**

Dickson rolled his eyes. "Might as well have a go, then. After all, someone's gotta drag your corpse back home."

Dunban smirked. "Glad to have you aboard, Dickson."

"No seriously, I'm going to literally drag you back home if you die."

Mumkhar raised his hand. "Can I have the Monado if he dies?"

"No." Dunban and Dickson said at once. Mumkhar narrowed his eyes.

"Whatever! I'm leaving, we were ordered to retreat!" As Mumkhar stood up, Dunban grabbed his shoulder. "Huh?"

"You're my spotter." Dunban said.

"Oi, what's Dickson here for, then?!" Dunban drunkenly stared at Mumkhar, not answering his question. Mumkhar sighed and muttered to himself. "Why me…?"

Dunban held the Monado forward, and the red blade opened up, revealing the energy blade once more.

"Dickson! Mumk… Mum… Mumkle…"

"MUMKHAR!" Mumkhar corrected.

"Let's go!" Dunban ran forth. Dickson sighed, got up, and followed suit. Mumkhar narrowed his eyes.

"Dunban... The second I have an opening, I'm getting outta here!" With that, Mumkhar followed the other two into battle. "Because this valley is the _last_ place I'd want to die!"

* * *

A trio of Mechon M72 units slowly stomped toward the advancing soldier trio. The robots barely towered over Dunban and friends.

"I'm not too partial to these!" Dunban winced. Dickson looked up from lighting a cigar.

"What happened to being awesome? Don't tell me you're sobering now."

"Of course not!" Dunban replied as Mumkhar ran up to the others, out of breath. Dunban looked over. "Oh, there you are."

The M72 trio began to prepare their attack. Mumkhar glared at Dunban.

"Dunban! Do that glowing stuff!"

"Monado… ENCHANT!" the Monado released a purple cloud, which swarmed around Dickson and Mumkhar. "There, now you can hurt the Mechon."

Dickson aimed his sword-gun at one of the Mechon. "Eat this! Thunderbolt!"

The Mechon was hit with an electrical bullet, frying all its circuitry.

"DIIIIIE!" Mumkhar stabbed his claws through another Mechon. Dunban faced his own Mechon and smirked.

"I don't have time for small fry! Monado… BUSTER!"

The Monado's blade grew white-hot and much larger. Dunban drunkenly swung the Monado sideways, halving the Mechon and nearly removing Dickson's head.

"Watch where you're swingin' that, dumb beast!"

"Acknowledged."

A random soldier sitting on the ground raised his hand. "Uh, guys? There's more."

Dunban and the others turned and found themselves up close and personal with three Mechon M63 units. One of Mumkhar's eyes twitched.

"We appear to have company." Dunban put his free hand to his chin, sizing up the enemies.

Mumkhar hung his head. "How many of you are there?!"

Dickson waved a hand. "Quit yer crying, Mumkhar, or I'll shoot you before the Mechon have the chance."

Dickson aimed his gun and fired at an M63, making it short-circuit, shortly before the purple haze disappeared from him. Dunban ran up to one of the Mechon and tried kicking it. "Tempest Kick!" It had no effect. "Oh… I forgot how to do that."

"Dunban!" Dickson scolded.

"Give me a break, I'm drunk."

"Hey, hey, time to DIE!" Mumkhar ran at the same M63. He began scratching at it, but had no effect, and Dunban smirked. "Don't look at me like that! Enchant me already!" Dunban shrugged and reestablished the enchantment on Dickson and Mumkhar. Mumkhar plunged one of his claws right through the M63. "Die! Die! Die! Die!"

Dunban looked over to the final M63. With his concentration off, he was seeing double. "Mumkhar, you fancy the one on the left or the right? I'll let you have first pick."

Mumkhar was then backhanded by the M63, knocking him down. Dickson palmed his face. "Dunban, there's only one, you idiot!"

"Oh." Dunban promptly cleaved the M63.

Just as the drunk was about to wipe the sweat from his brow, a 15-meter Mechon dropped down, almost on top of Mumkhar. "WATCH WHERE YER'E LANDING!"

The M82's sawblade hands began rotating, and it started to swing at Dunban and Dickson. The two men leapt out of the way, with Dickson taking this chance to shoot at the machine.

 _Plink_

"Aaww, no good. That enchantment sure don't last long." Dickson lamented. Dunban's face showed zero emotion.

"Dickson… I had an idea."

Dickson rolled his eyes. "Well that's a first. Did it hurt?"

Dunban activated Monado Buster. He run over to the Mechon. "BORN IN A WORLD OF STRIFE!" He met the incoming sawblade with the Monado, cutting off the robot's arm. "AGAINST THE ODDS!" Another hand came at him, but he dodge-rolled and cut the other arm. "WE CHOOSE TO FIGHT!" Dunban spun around, cutting off the Mechon's leg. The now one-legged Mechon fell over, and Dunban prepared a Monado slash. "BLOSSOM DANCE!" He fatally damaged the robot.

Mumkhar stood up.

"Uh… I could've done that too, I was just… uhh... slacking off. NO WAIT I MEANT-"

"Nobody cares, Mumkhar." Dickson answered. He looked over and saw another wave of Mechon approaching and sighed. "This is just getting better all the time…"

Mumkhar leaned his head back and groaned obnoxiously. "C'mon Dickson! I love a good fight as much as you, but-"

"Nonsense, I was getting into fights before your mum was even born!"

Dunban was digging around in his pocket. "Dickson, have you seen my flask?"

"Screw this, I'm going home!" Mumkhar announced. Mumkhar ran away, as Dickson watched with contempt.

"Coward."

Dunban waved his arm. "It's all right, my awesomeness can make up for it. It'll be easy. I'll take the 70 to the left, and you get the 70 to the right."

Dunban enchanted Dickson and the two ran into the battle.

…

Dickson was having an easy time, shooting several Mechon, when he looked over and saw Dunban already standing atop a pile of wrecked Mechon.

"Now he's just showin' off. Wait…"

Dickson looked closer and saw Dunban was actually having a spasm of some kind, as the Monado was seemingly electrocuting him. In addition, a Mechon was approaching, ready to swallow Dunban with its massive clamp hand.

"For cryin' out loud Dunban, I already have one brat to babysit, I didn't ask for another!" Dickson ran over and pushed Dunban aside, getting clamped himself. "OH! That's gonna leave a mark!"

"Dickson!"

Quickly regaining his bearings, Dickson held out his gun and fired at the Mechon, wrecking it and causing it to release him. "Gonna be feeling that in the morning…"

"Nice work, Dickson. That usually kills a Homs in one go."

Dickson shrugged. "There are very few things that can kill me, Dunban."

…

Elsewhere, Mumkhar was still in the midst of fleeing. "Hmm… I wonder if Dunban's already dead. I could get the Monado now, instead of having to wait! But then again- WAAAH!" Mumkhar tripped and fell down a hill. "Ooh! Ow! Son of a-"

Mumkhar got back up and put a hand to his head.

"Oww… head hurts…" He then looked and noticed that the claws on one of his gauntlets were broken. "Stupid claws, never did me any good!" A red laser dot appeared on Mumkhar's forehead. "Hey what's this then?" Several more appeared on his body. "Huh?" His eyes then dilated. "Oh no…"

Mumkhar looked ahead and saw several Mechon standing before him, with weapons concentrated on his position.

"No… NO, NO, NOT LIKE THIS! DUNBAN, HEEEEEELP!"

…

Further away, Dunban and Dickson stood alone against an approaching mob of several Mechon, including hovering drones and a building-sized, quadrupedal spider-tank Mechon. Dunban glared. "These machines don't know whom they're messing with! We are Homs, and we won't let them advance any further!"

Dickson shifted his gaze between the advancing legion and the drunken swordsman wobbling next to him. "Yeeeah… I'll go look after the survivors." Dickson then ran off.

"Sounds good." Dunban activated the Monado. "Vile Mechon! I am Dunban! Attack me if you dare! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Dunban ran up to the army of Mechon, throwing caution to the wind.

* * *

 _ **ONE YEAR LATER…**_

There was a quiet meadow, with nary a sound but the noises of someone digging through a pile of scrap metal. The culprit was a young man, with hair the color of straw. He was robed in red and black, with a plain sword strapped to his back.

"Ooh, that's a piece from an M71! I can use that to align one of the anti-air batteries! Oh wait… It's broken."

The man stood up and yawned.

 **Name: Shulk  
Rating: Awesome**

He fell onto his back, landing on his sword. "Aaah! Bad idea! Should've taken the sword off!" He rolled over onto his stomach, wincing.

Shulk slowly got back up and removed his sword, ready to inspect it.

"Hmm. Doesn't look broken."

A fly buzzed past Shulk's face and landed on a nearby piece of machinery. Curious, Shulk followed it and noticed that it was a very particular Mechon piece. "An M69! I can make that into a shield! Science!"

Shulk ran over to pick up the M69, but it started rustling. "Huh?"

"Shulk, look out!"

A larger man wearing a gray and orange uniform ran onto the scene and bashed the M69 away with a lance-shield. He had combed, spiky orange hair.

 **Name: Reyn  
Favorite Herb: Thyme**

The 'Mechon' turned around and revealed itself to be a hermit crab.

"It's okay Reyn, it's only a Krabble!"

"Oh okay. You know the drill, Shulk! I'll taunt 'im, then you finish the job with your Back Slash!" Reyn nodded at his own statement.

"But Reyn, we could probably _walk_ back and it'll never catch up."

"But… but Shulk, I wanna!"

Shulk rolled his eyes. "Oh fine."

"Yeah!" Reyn pumped his fist. He ran over to the Krabble and began waving his hand in front of it. "Man, what a joker this Krabble, eh?"

The Krabble began trying to snap its claws at Reyn, while Shulk casually walked over behind it and cut the shell from behind, getting at the monster underneath. The Krabble fell over, dead. Reyn chuckled. "Hah! Good thing I'm here? … Anybody? Shulk?" Reyn held out his hand, looking for a high five. Shulk gave it to him. "Good man, never leave a mate hangin'."

Reyn rolled his shoulder, while Shulk picked up the Krabble's old shell. "This should do nicely for armour."

Reyn sighed. "Shulk, I told you to stay where I can keep an eye on you. There are all kinds o' monsters out here. Like that Krabble. And bunnits. And I think a fly was lookin' at me funny on the way here."

"I'm sorry, Reyn. I was just wanted to prepare for science."

Reyn nodded. "So anyway, watcha gonna do with that Mechon piece?"

Shulk was struggling to carry it, speaking in a strained manner. "Oh… I don't know… perhaps… a shield or… something… Reyn help me please." Reyn grabbed the shell from Shulk. "Phew. Cheers."

"You gonna do something nerdy with it?" Reyn asked. Shulk rolled his eyes.

"It was a nerd who built your Scrap Driver, you know." Shulk said, pointing at Reyn's weapon.

"C'mon man, let's go."

Shulk and Reyn started walking along a grassy path, passing the evil, scary rabbits and flies that Reyn was on about. "You know, Reyn, Dickson had better not hear you with all that nerd talk. He might just shoot you."

"He almost did, once."

"Wait, _what?_ " Shulk's eyes widened. "Dickson nearly _shot_ you? I was joking!"

Reyn's eyes darted around, he broke into a sweat. "Uhh… me too! Haha! Yeah… ain't I somethin'…"

Shulk sighed. "Reyn, what are we going to do with you… That didn't have to do with last week, when you tried using the Monado to cut vegetables, did it?"

"Uh, no! … Maybe. … Please don't tell Dunban about that, by the way."

Shulk put a hand to his head, but kept walking. "What a mess."

* * *

 _ **Colony 9**_

" _ **The redneck area of Bionis"**_

The two kept walking, and soon their town came into view. It was a large collection of buildings on a concrete island suspended over a lake. Shulk looked over, eying Reyn still holding the shell for him. "Say, Reyn. What time is it?"

Reyn chuckled. "Why Shulk, it's Rey-"

"Nono, I mean really. You're not going to be late for the Colonel's drills because of me, are you?"

"Oh I'll just tell him it was 'cos I had to look after you. Good thing for me that he don't get as mad whenever you're involved."

Shulk rubbed the back of his head. "Yeah, well, that's probably because he's scared of Dickson more than anything."

The two made it to the entrance bridge of Colony 9, and Reyn gave the shell back to Shulk, whom was not ready for it.

"Hooo!"

"Well I'm off. See ya later, Shulk!" Reyn walked off, whistling. Shulk was struggling to hold onto the shell.

"No… someone… help… heavy…" A woman wearing gear similar to Reyn walked past, and Shulk noticed. "Dorothy… please help me."

"Sorry Shulk, I'm a bit busy now. Maybe Reyn can help you with it?"

"But… Reyn just…"

Dorothy had already left.

* * *

An hour later, Shulk was slowly making his way to the military district, panting and drenched in sweat.

"… so heavy… need to… work out more…"

"YOU IDIOTS!"

Shulk dropped the shell onto his foot. "AAAH!"

The boy looked over and saw a man with a strange mustache yelling at two other soldiers. He had a bright-orange mustache, with both ends pointing upwards at a 90-degree angle.

 **Name: Colonel Vangarre  
Distantly related to: Waluigi**

"HOW COULD YOU CRASH THE MOBILE ARTILLERY INTO A HOUSE?! HOW LONG HAVE YOU EVEN BEEN ON THIS FORCE?!"

The soldiers stood at attention. One spoke first. "Sir! We've been on the force for two hours, sir!"

The other one spoke. "And it was you who crashed it into the house. You were teaching us how to use it, and crashed. You blacked out and forgot all about it. This is the third time you've done it and blamed it on us, sir."

"I THINK I KNOW WHEN I DO AND DON'T CRASH INTO THINGS!"

"Er, yes sir. I'm sure we were controlling your mind to make you do it… somehow."

"Yeah that must be it."

Vangarre nodded. "AND THE TRUTH COMES OUT! BUT DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, SOLDIERS! THE TRAINING HAS ONLY BEGUN! I WILL TURN YOU FROM MERE MEN INTO CHAMPIONS! AND THEN FROM CHAMPIONS, YOU WILL BECOME VANGARRES!"

"Sir! You constantly shout everything you say!"

"MY FATHER NEVER TAUGHT ME HOW TO SPEAK QUIETLY!"

Shulk picked the shell back up and began trudging toward the lab. Vangarre kept ranting.

"NOW GO BRING THE ARTILLERY BACK TO THE DISTRICT, AND THEN DO A MILLION PRESS-UPS! AND I MEAN EXACTLY ONE MILLION! I'LL BE COUNTING, I WANT YOUR BICEPS TO _EXPLODE!_ "

One of the soldiers spoke again. "Sir! I don't think biceps can explode, sir!"

"OF COURSE THEY CAN, JUST WATCH MINE!" Vangarre got down and started furiously doing push-ups at the speed of light. "ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE SIX SEVEN EIGHT NINE TEN AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

* * *

Shulk walked into the lab and set the shell down. "Phew!"

"Oi Shulk, remind me to take you to the gym sometime." a familiar voice called. Shulk looked over.

"Dickson, I didn't know you'd be back!"

Dickson was sitting in a chair, wearing groovy blue and white clothes. "So how's the Monado research?"

"Oh." Shulk approached the Monado on its pedestal. "Well it turns out anyone can activate it. But not all can control it. Only Dunban and the other guy you were with in the military. What was his name again? Mum-something?"

Dickson shrugged. "I dunno."

Shulk looked at the Monado thoughtfully. "But… if we could somehow control it… we could be the mightiest military force in all the world."

The older man raised an eyebrow. "It's just us and Colony 6, Shulk. Being the mightiest ain't exactly a special position."

Shulk handed Dickson some notes. "This contains my newest hypothesis."

"Your handwriting is rubbish. Didn't I teach you better than this?"

"No. You never taught me to write, ever. I had to learn it on my own."

"Oh. Oh yeah. How's about you just _tell_ me?"

Shulk sighed. "Okay. The hole in the middle is actually a glass sheet. When the Monado is activated and the wielder uses its arts, a different sheet fills the center. There's one for Buster and one for Enchant. Going off your notes, it looks like there could be eight in total, but only the first two are available. Furthermore, two others seem to be-"

"This is getting boring!" Dickson taunted. "Shulk, you need to find a girl."

"I… I have one, Dickson."

Dickson crossed his arms. "Oh. Finally made your move, eh?"

"Um… No."

Dickson sighed. "Well whatever. I suppose Dunban ought to be grateful you're wasting away researching this thing."

Shulk nodded. "Right… after the Battle of Sword Valley…"

…

 _Vangarre was yelling in the background._

" _EVERYBODY! LET'S SEE HOW MANY EGGS I CAN FIT INTO MY MOUTH!"_

 _At the same time, Shulk and a girl were fretting over Dunban. Dunban was being carried on a stretcher, escorted out of a transport vehicle._

" _Dunban, stay with us!" Shulk pleaded._

" _I'm… not gonna die. Shulk… I need… to tell you…"_

 _Shulk leaned down as Dunban tried to whisper in his ear._

" _Um… Dunban, you're… you're not actually saying words right now."_

 _Dunban kept mumbling into Shulk's ear._

" _Dunban… I don't know what you're saying."_

…

Shulk kept staring at the Monado. "I don't know how much longer that would've gone on if you hadn't explained it to me."

"And that's the night Dunban swore off alcohol." Dickson recalled.

"I'm still wondering what he meant. About how the Monado was controlling him. Could it… Could it be sentient?"

"Nonsense. Don't worry about it. I'm gonna go do Dickson things, you try to get some fresh air, Shulk."

Shulk looked over to Dickson. "But… I just came back from being outside."

"Looking for parts doesn't count."

"But _Dicksoooooon!_ "

Dickson pointed at Shulk. "No buts! I don't waste my money buying food for the two of us just so you can forget to eat because you're busy in the lab all day."

Shulk sighed. "Dickson, you don't even buy our groceries, I do. With the money _I_ earn. Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever seen _you_ eat."

Dickson shrugged. Without any further words, he left the lab.

* * *

At Dunban's house, the man himself was sitting up in his bed, shirtless and staring at his right arm. The entire arm had burn marks, and was stiff from the elbow-down.

"… Good thing I'm ambidextrous."

"Dunban, I have lunch!" a cheery, yet kind of raspy voice called from downstairs. Up walked a blonde girl in white and orange, with detached sleeves. She was holding a tray with a soup bowl.

 **Name: Fiora**

 **Hobby: Trying to think of Dunban-esque battle cries**

"Want me to feed you?"

Dunban shook his head. "That won't be necessary, I'm perfectly capable…" He started to speak under his breath. " _Bad enough you used to tie my shoes, now I couldn't if I wanted to…_ "

"What was that?"

"Nothing, nothing. Moving on, I've been feeling much better lately. If the Mechon ever come back, I'll be ready."

Fiora tensed up as she set the tray down on a table. "Dunban! Don't say things like that! They're all gone now, you broke them all! And you made it back alive!"

Dunban winced. "Er, sorry. I just meant that… _hypothetically-_ "

"Dunban, you know how hypotheticals work, everyone just uses that word to pretend they're not going to do something that they actually _are_ going to do!" Fiora put her hands on her hips. Dunban put his good arm to his chin.

"Hmm. How can I phrase this? Let's see… uhh… Hmm… Well- no. … Uh-"

Fiora put a spoon in Dunban's face, prompting him to grab it. "Eat up before it gets cold!"

Dunban took the spoon. "Very well. But for the record, I like my soup on the cold side. You know this." He raised his eyebrow. "That reminds me, weren't you going to meet Shulk?"

Fiora rolled her eyes and sat down on the floor by Dunban's bed. "I… don't need to hurry. Shulk has no sense of taste. Literally, I mean. He'd eat anything I make and say it tastes good."

Dunban chuckled. "I'm sure you're exaggerating."

Fiora looked over her shoulder. "No. No I'm not."

…

" _Mmm… This is good. This tastes good. I'm really tasting it." Shulk said, chewing on something in the lab. Fiora and Reyn were with him. Fiora spoke up._

" _Shulk, that fruit was for decoration! You're not supposed to actually eat it!"_

" _Oh…" Shulk absentmindedly took another bite. "Could've fooled me."_

…

Dunban looked straight ahead. "Oh yeah… In his defence, Dickson should've probably worked harder at keeping Shulk fed when he was young."

"Right… I'll be going, then." Fiora got up and made her way out of the house.

Dunban set the spoon down and looked over at the tray on the table. He reached for the bowl with his right hand, but his stiff hand accidentally pushed it off the tray, and onto the floor, sending glass bits and soup everywhere. Dunban sighed.

"… Now come back, soup. ... I can wait."

* * *

Fiora bumped into Dickson outside.

"Hey Fiora. What's Dunban been up to lately?"

Fiora briefly looked back. "Well I heard the sound of glass breaking, so I bet he's trying to clean the soup off the floor with his mind. Again."

Dickson looked up from lighting a cigar. "Huh? Oh. Cool. If yer looking for Shulk, I sent 'im out for some fresh air. You'll know where he'll be."

Fiora nodded. "The junkyard."

"No the other one."

Fiora nodded. "On his way to the lab, carrying something heavy."

"No the other, _other_ one."

Fiora began to look hesitant. "… Selling machine parts?"

Dickson put his cigar away and rested both palms on his face. "The park, Fiora. He's at the park."

"Oh. That would've been my next guess."

Dickson walked off, waving dismissively. "Sure it was, and Dunban's not trying to control soup with his mind, and I'm not a huge jerk."

"Dickson, your pocket's catching fire! You forgot to put out your-"

"Can't hear ya, gotta do Dickson things, bye!"

Fiora rolled her eyes. "Same old Dickson…"

* * *

The girl started was to the park, carrying a basket with her. She started muttering to herself.

"I wonder how Dunban comes up with his battle cries… And why do they sound so cool all the time? I've got to sound like him… 'Feel the weight of combat- Hidden Thorn!' … I like that one."

Fiora eventually made it out of town and onto the hill path. "How about… 'Finishing Strike- Butterfly Step! Such is my talent! Haha!' … Not good. Maybe if I just say the same things as Dunban, I'll-"

"So if the Bionis wielded the Monado back in ancient times, how'd it get so tiny? It'd be like trying to fight with a splinter. That'd be impossible." Shulk thought aloud, sitting alone on the bench. This brought Fiora out of her train of thought.

"Oh! Shulk, I have lunch!"

Shulk looked over. "Cool!" Fiora sat down and pulled a sandwich out of the bag and gave it to Shulk. "Cheers."

Shulk started absentmindedly eating it, talking with his mouth full. "I was just thinking about the Monado."

"Don't talk with your mouth full."

Shulk swallowed. "Sorry. I was talking about how I was thinking about-"

"I heard." Fiora leaned closer to Shulk. "Soooo? How's it taste?"

Shulk nodded. "Amazing."

Fiora rolled her eyes and leaned back away from Shulk. "Shulk, you say that every time."

"Hm? No I don't."

"Shulk, you said that decorative apple was amazing. And before that, you said Dunban's 'floor soup' was amazing."

"Floor soup gives you health." Shulk countered.

Fiora shook her head, and Shulk took another bite. "I can't help it if I say it every time, as long as it's true every time." Bite. "It does taste a little different than usual. Different herbs?"

Fiora's eyes lit up. "You noticed! Yeah, I used thyme. … Reyn's idea." Fiora leaned back and closed her eyes. "Ahhh… The breeze feels so good."

Shulk looked around and swallowed his next sandwich bite. "Fiora, there's no wind today."

Fiora's eyes stayed closed. "Quiet time, Shulk."

"Okay." Shulk went back to eating.

Fiora opened her eyes again and smiled, taking in the scenery. "I just hope… that every day can be like this. Always."

Shulk spit out a piece of sandwich in shock. He then looked over to Fiora. "… Don't say that! That's always right before something happens!"

Fiora's eyes widened. "Ah! Er, what I meant… uh… Oh and I just got onto Dunban for it earlier…"

 _BING BING_

The town's anti-air batteries positioned themselves and began to open fire on some falling pieces of metal. Shulk furrowed his brow. "Hmm. I wonder how Colony 6 is doing. There aren't many other places that could be dropping debris on us. We should get back to the lab."

Fiora nodded. "Right. The park is out of the batteries' range of protection."

* * *

Shulk and Fiora returned to the lab and found an interesting sight.

"SHULK HELP ME!"

Reyn was running about the lab, waving the activated Monado around, inadvertently slashing things with no semblance of control over his motions. Fiora moved around anxiously as Shulk sighed.

"What a mess! Reyn, what were you thinking?!"

"AAAH! WELL THERE WAS ANOTHER VEGETABLE AND- FIORA LOOK OUT!"

The Monado willed Reyn to swing it. He slashed cleanly through a machine and Fiora, though only the machine was harmed in any way. The Monado bounced off Fiora and dropped out of Reyn's grasp, onto the floor.

"I'm… I'm alive! Somehow!" Fiora inspected herself, seeing no signs of injury whatsoever.

Shulk walked over and inspected the broken machine. "What a mess… This'll take me a week to rebuild."

Fiora was indignant. "Pardon me? What about _me_ , Shulk? I could've died!"

Shulk briefly looked up at Fiora and then back at the machine. "Oh. No you wouldn't. The Monado can't cut people. I'm pretty sure I've told you." Shulk looked over to Reyn. "Were you seriously trying to cut more vegetables?"

"Well… no. Maybe. Yes." Reyn hung his head. "I'm sorry, man. First I was just gonna ask you, but then-"

"Even _I_ need to get out of the lab sometimes, Reyn." Shulk stated. Reyn crossed his arms and gave Shulk a look. The shorter boy hung his head. "Okay fine, Dickson insisted. But still!"

"Ah-ah-ah!" Fiora interrupted. "Shulk, that doesn't explain why you're more worried about a machine than me!"

Shulk raised his eyebrow. "But… Fiora, I just explained it. _Just_ now. You were there… Reyn was there… Good times."

Fiora crossed her arms. "Hmph! Well maybe you'd finally care about me if I were part-machine!"

Shulk looked off to the side. "I had a dream where that happened once- Oh I wasn't… supposed to… say that out loud… that was a… personal moment…"

Shulk leaned down to pick up the Monado. As soon as his hands touched it, his eyes began to glow.

"Aaah!"

…

" _LOOK AT YOU! WEAK AND PATHETIC!" a raspy voice shouted._

…

" _THE POWER IS YOURS."_

…

" _I'll kill you!" a woman screamed, aiming a rifle at someone. Shulk was next to her, and turned to Reyn._

" _Is that what I sounded like?"_

…

" _With my last breath, I curse Juju!"_

…

" _DUNBAN IS ANGRY! THIS IS HIS OUTSIDE VOICE!"_

…

 _Reyn was shirtless, and wearing a metallic cow head for a helmet._

…

" _You'll pay for your insolence."_

…

" _Hey look, a button!"_

…

" _Shulk listen to new daddypon!"_

…

" _But we mustn't be careless."_

" _But we cannot be reckless."_

" _No one likes a tailcoat rider."_

…

 _Shulk's voice cried out, "I want revenge too! But don't you want to know why it had to come to this?! Putting us against each other?!"_

…

" _Your blade cannot hurt me, Shulk."_

…

 _A large, black Mechon rammed its claws into an artillery unit, and Shulk's eyes widened._

" _NOOOOO!"_

…

 **To be continued.**

* * *

 **Author's Notes:**

Welcome to my Xenoblade parody. Ever since playing the 3DS version, I've come to appreciate this game, and all throughout my last parody story (a Sonic 06 parody), I've been peppering it with Xenoblade references. It got to the point where I realized that I just want to do a Xenoblade story. So I decided to give it some time, see if I still wanted to, and it felt right.

The theme for the title and the naming method of every chapter is based off the show, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I got the idea from watching "It's Always Sunny in Beach City" videos on Youtube. This seems like an idea I'll like at first, and then get bored, but I'm going to challenge myself.

Writing this first chapter, I did feel a bit iffy at times, but going back over it, adding a few more jokes, I started feeling good about it. I'm not sure if the characters all have their distinct quirks yet, but I like the banter, and I do have ideas for later on. Stories like this always have a bit of a slow start, you gotta expect it. It takes a bit to find the comfortable groove.

I am trying to retain everyone's British accents, and their vocabulary. But there will be some slip-ups, either out of force of habit, or because it'd be funny. For Shulk, I'd like to play up his absentmindedness and how much of a tech geek he is, but we'll see where he goes from here. And Vangarre is my favorite to write so far. Too bad he's a bit character.

I feel like Mumkhar abandoning the battle was more understandable in this version, considering the alternative is relying on a drunk to fight an army of robots. Speaking of that, I found it strange how Dunban's outlook changes so much between the opening fight and the rest of the game, so I thought it'd be funny if it was because he was drunk at the time.

Overall, I think this is an all right start. I'm sure that once I get more comfortable with the story, I can really get into it better. But you gotta start somewhere. Also, this chapter was going to be longer, but I decided to leave it on that faux-cliffhanger.

Hope you enjoyed this chapter, I'll see you on the next one.

EDIT: I've rearranged a few things, so hopefully the chapter looks a little less cluttered, and easier to read as a result.


	2. Fiora engages an enemy

"Shulk, you okay man?" Reyn asked.

Shulk had just finished having his premonition. He stood within the research laboratory, still holding the Monado, with an empty stare, leaving Reyn and Fiora worried.

"Uh… yeah. Sorry about that…" Shulk answered. He placed the Monado back on its pedestal, trying to shake off his episode. "Reyn… You didn't see anything unusual when you held the Monado, right? People you'd never seen before? Did you hear any voices?"

"Um… No."

"Oh." Shulk put a hand to his chin. "That's not the first time it's happened, but that was the most detailed sequence yet. Maybe I _am_ spending too much time in the lab…"

Reyn's eyes lit up. "Ooh! Then in that case, you can come with me to Tephra Cave! I gotta look for Ether Cylinders! Wanna come?"

Fiora looked over. "I don't like this. Reyn, Shulk's delicate. You know he has trouble carrying heavy things, he'll break like a twig."

Shulk looked over. "Pardon me?"

"Reyn, don't let anything bad happen to him."

Reyn nodded. "Don't worry Fiora, I've been protecting Shulk as long as we can remember. So long as we don't run into any spiders."

Shulk grimaced. "Fiora, that reminds me… I don't know wholly why, but… be careful today."

Fiora nodded. "Don't worry, Shulk. I'm not a lightweight like you." She chuckled while Reyn tussled Shulk's hair.

"Fiora…"

"Really, Shulk, I'll stay out of trouble. I promise."

 ** _"Episode 2 – Fiora engages an enemy"_**

* * *

Shulk and Reyn started heading out to the cave.

"So Reyn, why are you getting cylinders again?"

Reyn looked up thoughtfully. "Uh, lessee… I forgot. Honestly, I don't even know if I'm s'posed to be doin' this right now."

Shulk rolled his eyes. "Well… at least it'll get Dickson off my back about hanging around the lab. Do you have the containers?"

Reyn reached around his pockets. "Uhhh… uhh…"

"I'll take that as a no."

"I can just carry them." Reyn said, shrugging. Shulk gave him a look.

"Reyn, you drop everything."

"Name one."

"You dropped Dunban's favorite vase."

"Uh, well-"

"You dropped your ice cream cone last weekend."

"But-"

"You even dropped the baby Nopon that we were looking after that one time!"

"I said _one_ time, Shulk!" Reyn fumed.

"Ahem." a familiar voice coughed. Shulk and Reyn looked over and caught sight of Fiora at the cave entrance, holding cylinder containers.

"Hey thanks, Fiora!" Reyn said, beaming. Fiora shook her head and sighed.

"If you can't even bother to remember the cylinder containers, how can I expect you to look after Shulk? That's it, I'm coming with you."

"B-but Fiora, don't you trust me?" Reyn asked, trying to make a puppy face. It was more creepy than endearing.

"… No."

"Awww!"

Fiora put a finger to her chin. "What was that word Dunban used to describe you? Hmm…" Her eyes lit up. "Oh! Amateurish!"

Reyn slouched and walked past Fiora into the cave. "Why do I even get outta bed, all I get is this abuse from you guys."

Being Reyn is suffering.

* * *

 ** _Tephra Cave_**

 ** _"Your one-stop, er, stop for all your boring, early-game cave needs."_**

The trio walked into the cave and saw a trio of Bunnivs. Reyn ran in, gunlance ready. "Aw yeah, time to fight!"

Fiora called to Reyn. "Reyn, don't just go killing random animals, you have a job to do!"

Reyn kicked one of the rabbits into a nearby wall, laughing.

"Reyn!" she repeated.

He picked one up and threw it at another.

Shulk winced. "This is… making me uncomfortable…"

Reyn looked over. "C'mon guys, beating up woodland creatures gets you experience! Shulk you could really use some."

A gigantic Caterpile burrowed out from underground and turned toward Reyn. Exciting music started playing.

"All right, a unique monster! Now it's Reyn Time!"

Reyn tried beating the Cellar Bugworm with the Scrap Driver, but it wasn't doing anything.

" _Reeeeeeeeek!_ "

The unique monster tackled Reyn. Shulk shook his head. "And this is why we don't attack random animals."

The giant bug turned its attention to Shulk and Fiora.

"Oh no…" Fiora put a hand to her mouth. Shulk started looking around.

"Looks like we don't have a choice… Unless…"

Shulk noticed another Bunniv rolling around in circles on the ground by his feet. He picked it up. "Er, I'm sorry."

Shulk threw the Bunniv at the stampeding monster. It clonked the beast on its head.

" _Reeeeeeeeeek!"_

The Cellar Bugworm turned its attention to the Bunniv and began trying to eat it. Trying not to throw up, Fiora and Shulk ran over to Reyn's body and dragged him away from the fight until they were safely out of the Caterpile's range.

"Aw man, I wanted to kill it!"

"Reyn!" Fiora smacked Reyn on the back of the head. "This is exactly the reason why I can't trust you to take Shulk anywhere! You always have to go kill everything you see!"

"B-but Fiora, it's… it's Reyn Time!"

Fiora scoffed. "And what's that mean? Time for you to get eaten by a giant Caterpile while Shulk has to think of how to break the news to the Defence Force?"

Shulk shuddered. "I just feel bad for that Bunniv, throwing it at the Caterpile like that…"

...

The three Bunnivs were facing the Cellar Bugworm.

"snrt snrt chk chk chk (Time for a Chain Attack!)" one of the Bunnivs ordered to the other two.

The three Bunnivs commenced attacking the beast from all sides until it fell over and curled up, dead.

* * *

Shulk, Reyn, and Fiora made it to an area known as the Mag Mell Ruins, within Tephra Cave. Reyn nodded.

"Awright, we're here. Just gotta find the cylinders now."

Fiora looked around. "This place looks like a large transport ship. How'd it get stuck in here?"

Shulk's eyes lit up. "I actually have a hypothesis on this. You see, I believe that perhaps there might've been another civilization, which-"

"Boring! C'mon, let's go find the Ether Cylinders!" Reyn ran off. Fiora followed, leaving Shulk behind to stare nowhere in particular, with a flat expression.

"Come on, Shulk!" Fiora turned back and prodded. "Let's press on. And on. And on. … And on."

The trio had an uneventful trip until they reached an outdoor plateau, with a smooth, clay-like building sticking out of one of the rock walls.

Reyn smiled. "Here we are! The Cylinder Hangar! Thanks for the help, Shulk!"

"Ahem."

"And Fiora." Reyn amended. He instantly ran in and started grabbing Ether Cylinders.

"Reyn," Fiora started, "you still need these containers."

Fiora went over to help Reyn while Shulk started looking around. "So this hangar seems to have all sorts of ancient technology. Some would say it's a miracle that it all survived this long, but I feel like it might actually be a refined technology, which-"

A smooth, clay-like robot rammed into Shulk from nowhere.

" _Beep-beep-beep_ " The robot's red eye started flashing, summoning an exact copy of itself.

" _Vmmmmmm_ "

"Ow!"

"Shulk!" Reyn and Fiora cried at once. Fiora turned and smacked Reyn again.

"I told you it'd be dangerous for Shulk!"

Shulk got back up. "I'm oka-" He was rammed again. "Ow!"

Reyn ran to pick up Shulk, using his weapon's shield to keep the robots away, while Fiora pulled out two daggers and attacked the robot from behind, ceasing its functions.

"I am Fiora! Attack me if you dare!"

Reyn looked over. "Fiora, are you trying to copy Dun-" Reyn was rammed by the remaining robot. "OW!"

The remaining robot tried to tackle Fiora, but she stepped out of the way. However, she tripped over Shulk laying there, and fell over. "OOF!"

"We… aren't really coordinated." Shulk summarized. He stood up and pulled out his sword, just as Reyn did the same. "I think we'll need a Chain Attack!"

Fiora got up and readied her knives. "Okay! Say the word Shulk!"

"Front attack!" Shulk used the Stream Edge attack on the robot pair.

"It's called 'Stream Edge', Shulk." Reyn corrected. He was ignored, as Shulk backed away from his attack.

"Reyn, you're up!"

"I know, I know! You're going down!" Reyn toppled the robot, knocking it over. "See how _you_ like it! Fiora, it's up to you!"

One of Fiora's eyes twinkled with bloodlust. "You're mine…" She ran over to the toppled robot and began stabbing it several times with her knives. "Lacerate!" She kept stabbing the robot over and over again. "It's not bleeding! I'll press on, and on, _and on!_ "

Shulk tilted his head. "Uh, Fiora… it's a machine. They don't have blood. I guess oil, but-"

Fiora struck 'gold' and the robot began to bleed. Shulk stared in disbelief.

"But _how?!_ "

"Fiora, I think it's done now." Reyn said, though he was ignored again.

"Kill the robots! Kill them all!"

Reyn winced. "Forgot how much she hates Mechon." Shulk nodded.

"Well, with what happened to Dunban, I don't blame her. However, I don't think these were Mechon."

 _WAAAAAAAAH WAAAAAAAAH WAAAAAAAAAH_

Fiora snapped out of it. "Is that the alarm?"

The three ran outside to the cliff and saw several air carriers dropping Mechon onto Colony 9 below.

"Those, however, _are_ Mechon." Shulk said.

"What?! But how?! My brother destroyed all the Mechon, I thought!"

Shulk looked over to Fiora. "Well, Fiora, I doubt they'd be stupid enough to send _all_ Mechon to Sword Valley for the battle. They probably had some in reserve."

Fiora looked back to Shulk. "Shulk. Not the time."

Reyn ran ahead. "To the colony! Away!" He jumped off the cliff, falling several meters into the water below. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

 _PLUNK_

Shulk and Fiora sighed. The boy spoke. "It'd be faster at this point if we just followed him." Fiora nodded in agreement.

They ran to the cliff and jumped, Shulk first.

"UUAAAAAAAO!"

"IF WE SURVIVE, YOU'RE GETTING A SMACK, REEEEEEEEEEEYN!"

* * *

The townspeople were freaking out over the raining Mechon. A sales clerk at a stall was furious.

"Oi, why's everyone running away? It's only a few Mechon! Look, no one really wants to show up to my sale? 50% off used cylinders, I'm practically _giving_ them away!"

A Mechon walked up to the man and grabbed it in its large clamp hand.

"Ow! At least buy something, you hunk of metal!"

At the military fortress, Vangarre picked up a communication device.

"YOU IDIOT! WHY DIDN'T YOU WARN US THAT THE MECHON WERE COMING?"

" _Sir! We did, but you told us we were hallucinating! We tried seven times!_ "

"I TOLD YOU BEFORE, IT TAKES EIGHT TIMES TO GET ME TO BELIEVE PEOPLE! NOW WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"

" _But sir, we- AAAAAAAH!_ "

Vangarre was confused. "OI! WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU?"

An automated voice spoke. " _We are sorry, but the number you have reached is currently unavailable. Please try again later._ "

"NOBODY TELLS ME WHAT TO DO!"

Vangarre dialed another number. "HEY YOU! USE THE ANTI-AIR BATTERIES ALREADY!"

The colony's large cannons turned fire on the Mechon fleet and blasted, but they did no good.

"… MAYBE A SECOND TIME! FIRE AGAIN!"

A black Mechon flier transfigured into a more humanoid shape. It had a white mask and long claws. It dropped down, sliding its claws along the side of one of the cannons, ruining it and creating explosions. Vangarre saw all of this from a distance.

"YOU! MECHON! THAT CANNON WAS VERY EXPENSIVE TO MAINTAIN! I ORDER YOU TO DO A MILLION PRESS-UPS!"

The Mechon reacted to Vangarre and began flying over.

"YEAH THAT'S RIGHT, YOU COME RIGHT OVER HERE!"

* * *

The soaked Shulk, Reyn, and Fiora ran to the entrance of Colony 9 just in time to find a Mechon chomp down on a Homs with its giant clamp arm.

"Gross." Reyn said, blasé.

"They're… eating people?" Shulk was confused. He turned back to Fiora. "Fiora, go see if Dunban's okay."

She nodded, and the Mechon turned its attention to Shulk and Reyn.

"Aw right Shulk, just you n' me n' this thing!"

"Reyn, we don't have Dunban with us, the Monado is the only thing that can hurt Mechon."

"How's about we just knock it over, then?"

Shulk nodded. He ran over to the Mechon. "Turn… Strike!" He slashed the Mechon. "All right, Reyn! It's broken, now topple it!"

"BONE UPPER!" Reyn tried attacking the Mechon. "No good! War Swing!" Reyn spun around, sticking his weapon out to attack the M63 repeatedly.

"Reyn, just use-"

"I'm on it, Shulk! Hammer Beat!" Reyn fruitlessly attacked once again. The robot just stood there and took all the damage.

"Reyn, why don't you just-"

"Shulk." Reyn leaned over to see Shulk behind the Mechon. "I think I know how to fight."

Shulk grimaced. "But, Reyn, you're not using-"

"RAGE!" Reyn began to glow orange. "This'll knock my damage intake back!"

"REYN!" Shulk scolded. Reyn sighed.

"Fine, we'll do it your way. Wild Down!" Reyn tried knocking the enemy down with his Scrap Driver, but it did nothing. "See Shulk? It didn't work!"

Shulk glared. "Because you kept wasting time! The Break effect wore off!"

"Shulk, I can't waste time, because it's Re-"

"If you say 'Reyn Time' one more time-"

"Reyn Time, Reyn Time, Reyn Time, watcha gonna do, Shulk?"

Fiora ran up and plunged a katana into the Mechon, deactivating it. She glared at both of her friends. "Really? You're having an argument _now?!_ "

"Wait, was that one of Dunban's spare swords? The anti-Mechon one that Dickson made for him?"

"Yeah." Fiora nodded. Worry immediately filled her eyes. "Shulk, Dunban's not home."

* * *

Several Defence Force soldiers were having a hard time defending against the Mechon, while Vangarre found himself face to face with the big, black, clawed Mechon. It leaned down, bringing its mask to Vangarre's face level.

 **Name: Metal Face**

 **Favorite Thing: Carnage (and carnies)**

"OI WHAT'S THIS THEN? YOU HAVE A FACE? WELL IT'S AN UGLY ONE, SO YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE BOTHERED BUILDING IT!"

The faced Mechon swung its hand around and backhanded Vangarre across the lot. It then looked over and saw a tank. Silently, the black Mechon stomped over and plunged its claws into a nearby tank. It picked up the tank and swung its arm, hurling the tank at a nearby mob of soldiers.

"AAAAAH!" "NOOO!" AAAH!" "I don't get paid enough for this!"

The Mechon mimed laughter and started up its jets, ready to fly away from the scene in time for the three young Homs to run into the military district. Shulk noticed that the entrance to the lab was blocked by the thrown tank.

"Blast! The Monado was still in there!" Shulk clenched his fists. Reyn looked and noticed a few dead soldiers.

"The guys… maybe even the Colonel… all dead…" Reyn stopped. "I wonder if this'll bump me up a few ranks."

Shulk's eyes widened. "The artillery unit! It must still be in the residential district, we can use that!"

Reyn turned. "To give me a promotion?"

"No, to get into the lab!"

"I think we're having separate conversations, Shulk."

Shulk sighed and ran toward the central plaza, motioning for the others to follow him. The lesser Mechon noticed and began pursuing them.

They were followed all the way to the plaza, but found themselves surrounded on all sides by Mechon. Shulk and Reyn exchanged a glance.

"Fiora, move ahead while we hold off the Mechon!" Reyn suggested, and Shulk nodded in agreement.

"But the last time I left you two to fight a Mechon-"

Shulk cut her off. "We're over it. We won't be long, we just need at least one of us to get to the artillery unit. And you're the one holding the cylinder containers."

Fiora looked at Shulk with concern, but Reyn grinned.

"Hey don't worry about it, Shulk won't even get a scratch!" An M63 came up and backhanded Shulk. "… Starting now!" Reyn turned and shield-bashed the Mechon.

Shulk got back up and used the Turn Strike on the Mechon, which was followed by Reyn's Wild Down, knocking the Mechon over. Fiora nodded and ran off.

"Both of you be careful!"

"Right!" Shulk and Reyn said at once.

The downed M63 was subjected to Reyn's Hammer Beat, which was able to irreparably wreck it. However, several smaller Mechon remained, and began to surround the duo.

"This ain't good… Shulk if we don't make it, I just want you to know that it was me who put that caterpillar in your sock drawer all that time ago!"

"I… I already knew that Reyn."

Reyn's eyebrow raised, while keeping an eye on the surrounding Mechon. "Eh? What gave it away?"

"You told me once."

"I don't remember."

"And that was why I hid a spider in your shoe."

Reyn gasped. "Shulk! You're the reason I'm scared of spiders!"

Shulk sighed. "I know, I felt really bad after that. But regardless, we need to think of a way out of this!"

"Like how?"

"BORN IN A WORLD OF STRIFE!"

Shulk and Reyn were both put off by a familiar voice. They looked over and were filled with relief. They both shouted at once, "Dunban!"

Dunban, dressed once again for battle, was swinging the Monado with his left hand, swatting down the Mechon like flies. He quickly looked in the direction of Shulk and Reyn.

"Enchant!" Dunban swung the Monado, casting a purple haze over the two boys. Rejuvenated, Shulk and Reyn nodded. Shulk ducked down while Reyn stuck out his weapon and spun in circles.

"WAR SWIIIIIING!" The Mechon were chopped to bits. Reyn chuckled to himself. "Man, what a bunch of-"

"Shulk, Reyn, are you both all right?" Dunban asked, walking up to the two.

Shulk nodded. "Yeah, we're-"

"Don't interrupt me." Dunban said. Shulk stared flatly.

"… But… I didn't…"

Reyn noticed that Dunban was holding the Monado in his left hand. "Dunban, has your arm not healed yet? Shouldn't you be resting?"

"What, and let the Mechon parade around my home as though they owned the place? Not likely. So Shulk, I know you're smart, you have a plan, yes?"

"Yeah, we're going to-"

"Don't interrupt me."

Shulk sighed. "… Anyway, we're going to find the mobile artillery unit. Or at least, that used to be the plan, since we had to get into the lab to find the Monado."

Dunban nodded. "Which I now have."

"Right, so we don't need to do that anymore. But Fiora doesn't know that, and she went off to get the artillery unit."

Dunban nodded. "Right. In the residential district."

"To the residential district! Away!" Reyn shouted. He bumped into a piece of debris and fell onto his back. "Oof! … Road's blocked, guys."

Shulk shook his head. "What a mess. We'll have to take the long way, then."

* * *

Shulk, Reyn, and Dunban ran past Dunban's house and onto the bridge leading out of the town. Dunban tripped and dropped the Monado, causing it to slide a few yards away.

"Aaagh! Stomach… hurts… shouldn't have… tried licking the Floor Soup."

Reyn went over to the deactivated Mechon from earlier, with the Anti-Mechon Glaive still in it. He pulled it out and set it on the ground by Dunban.

"Here, you can't use the Monado anymore."

"Reyn, I'm 30, I think I'm old enough to know-" Dunban started, but Shulk stepped past.

"He's right, Dunban." Shulk picked up the Monado. "Now… It's Shulk Time!"

Reyn could barely contain the laughter. "Hahaha! You crack me up, Shulk." Reyn wiped a tear from his eye. "Let 'em have it!"

Dunban tensed up. "Shulk, you're going to use the Monado? But-"

"We don't have a choice! Besides, we have to-" Shulk stopped.

...

 _Shulk stood there, while an M63 stomped over and knocked him off the bridge and into the water._

…

"What… was that?" Shulk pondered out loud. As he spoke, the M63 began stomping over. Shulk noticed. "I don't think so! Monado… BUSTER!"

Shulk activated Monado Buster and vertically cleaved the M63. Shulk heard the sound of glass breaking in his head.

"What… just happened?" the young Homs asked. He turned back to Dunban and Reyn.

"Dunban, did you ever have any weird premonitions or hear the sound of glass breaking whenever you used the Monado?"

Dunban shook his head, as Reyn helped him stand up. "No. But that's not important. You seem to be able to use the Monado just fine. I'll go ahead with this sword here."

Reyn raised his eyebrow. "Dunban, are you sure you should be-"

"Don't interrupt me."

* * *

The three managed to fight their way past a crowd of Mechon, with Shulk enchanting them as necessary to get across. Within about ten minutes, they made it to the residential district.

Metal Face dropped down before the party swinging its claws in front of it, to keep the trio away.

"Whoa, that one looks brutal!" Reyn commented. Metal Face stopped and noticed Dunban. It pointed a single claw at him. Dunban was unfazed.

"I don't have time for small fry. Shulk, you know what to do!"

"Monado… Enchant!" Shulk reapplied the enchantment on Reyn and Dunban, and they all went in at the Mechon.

"Back Slash!"

"Bone Upper!"

"Electric Gutbuster!"

None of it worked. Metal Face stood there and mimed laughter. It turned around and spanked itself, trying to moon the trio.

"He's mocking us!" Shulk realized, getting angry. Reyn scratched his head.

"Shulk, you do know how to enchant us, don't you?"

Shulk turned back. "Of course I do!" He paused and turned to Dunban. " _Did_ I do it right?"

Dunban nodded. Shulk turned back to Metal Face and looked closely.

"It has a face… and glowing red lights… No other Mechon have that. And these claws. This is no ordinary Mechon."

Metal Face prepared its claws and thrust them forward, forcing the three Homs to leap back and onto the ground.

"Why don't any of our Arts work? Shulk, I think the Monado's broken!" Reyn complained.

[cue: Engage the Enemy]

"Oi? I don't like the sound of this…" Reyn muttered to himself.

Metal Face stomped forward and prepared to spear the three again. Suddenly, a cannon blast hit it from behind, stunning it. Shulk looked over and saw that it came from a distance away, from the artillery unit. Fiora was piloting it.

"Leave them alone, you… jerk!" _(I have to work on my insults…)_

Metal Face turned around as Shulk began to sit up. Shulk's eyes flashed, just as they did on the bridge.

…

 _Metal Face's back-mounted cannon blasted the artillery unit, knocking it over._

 _…_

 _Metal Face walked over and plunged its claws into the downed artillery._

 _"NOOOOO!"_

…

Shulk's eyes widened. "Wait… I saw that before… and I remember seeing that other Mechon ahead of time. Does that mean…?"

"Get out of our colony!" Fiora shouted, revving up the artillery's cannons.

Shulk felt a cold sense of dread all over. "Fiora! Stop! Don't engage the enemy!"

"… I get it!" Reyn said with a dumb smile.

Out of hearing range, or maybe due to adrenaline, Fiora began charging the artillery unit's Gatling cannons, firing their salvo of ether at Metal Face.

Metal Face stood there and took the shots as if they were nothing. It crouched down and revealed its back-mounted cannon.

"Fiora stop!" Shulk warned. The cannon blast hit the artillery, shaking it, and detaching one of its cannons, but Fiora grit her teeth.

"None of you could beat my big brother, and it's the same with me! You're not going to kill anybody else!" She began to charge power in the remaining cannons.

Shulk was getting nervous. "Uh, Fiora, I really think you should-"

The cannon fired at Metal Face, this time doing more substantial damage. With Metal Face stunned, Fiora drove the unit forward, until the main cannon's barrel was rubbing up against Metal Face's mask. Shulk kept stuttering.

"Fiora- Uh, Fiora- I think- You really- That spot's bad, Fiora- Uh, Fiora?"

The cannon blasted at Metal Face, but the recoil knocked the artillery unit over backwards. Metal Face used its claws to clear some of the smoke, revealing that its mask has been half-charred by the cannon.

Dunban smiled to himself. "Ooh. Crude, but ruthless and effective. That's my sister!"

Metal Face stomped over to the artillery and picked it up by the cannon. Metal Face leaned its mask in, getting a good look at Fiora. The girl's eyes widened.

"Uh… uh… I… uh…"

Metal Face once again went through the motions of laughter and swung the artillery aside, slamming it into a building and breaking off the cannon.

"Aaaah!" Fiora screamed. Shulk tensed up.

"FIORA GET OUT OF THERE ALREADY! I MEAN REALLY, I'VE BEEN SHOUTING IT SINCE THE OMINOUS MUSIC STARTED!"

Metal Face walked over, rubbing its claws together as if it were walking in on a tray of fine foods.

"Fiora!" Dunban shouted.

Metal Face jammed its claws into the artillery unit.

" _AAAAAAAAAAH!_ "

"NOOOOO!" Shulk screamed.

Metal Face removed its claws. They were smeared with blood. Metal Face took a look at its claws and pretended to laugh again. It then picked up the artillery and threw it somewhere else, where a horde of Mechon could get to Fiora.

Without even thinking about it, Shulk was standing up, shaking uncontrollably. Mouthing something. Metal Face placed a claw over where its ear would be, egging Shulk on to speak up.

"I'LL KILL YOU!" Shulk activated the Monado and started swatting at Metal Face's leg over and over. Metal Face observed this and kept pretending to laugh.

Reyn and Dunban stood up and caught up to Shulk. Dunban spoke first.

"Shulk. I think we should try a Chain Atta-"

"AAAAH! AAAAAAAH! RAAAAAAA!" Shulk inarticulately shouted.

"Yes, but it might be the only way."

"AAAAAAAAAH!"

"I didn't catch that one. Come again?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-" Reyn slapped Shulk. "Ow! Right… I lost my head there. Okay, Chain Attack! Stream Edge!"

Shulk used his attack on Metal Face, with minimal effect. "Reyn, you're up!"

"Yeah! Reyn Time!" Reyn used Wild Down. Metal Face had finally been knocked over. "Dunban!"

"Aha! Born in a world of strife!" Dunban stabbed Metal Face's burnt mask with each statement. "Against the odds! We choose to fight!" He pulled out the sword and did a jumping slash. "BLOSSOM DANCE!"

As it was distracted, Shulk ran up and climbed onto Metal Face's arm, running all the way to its face and sticking the Monado through it.

"DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!"

Metal Face thrashed its head around until it was able to dislodge Shulk and the Monado. It then looked up and noticed the rest of the Mechon retreating. Shrugging, Metal Face made itself compact and took off, flying away. Shulk watched, seething.

"Get back here! Come back! Noooooo!"

* * *

It was evening, a few short days after the Mechon assault. Colony 9 had mostly been repaired, and most of the debris cleaned. Shulk sat alone in the park, looking as though he had not slept a wink since that night.

 _'I just hope… that every day can be like this. Always.'_

Shulk hung his head. "… Me too."

Reyn walked up, eating an eggplant. "Yo Shulk." He sat down. "Want some?" He spit some eggplant on Shulk as he spoke, but Shulk did not notice. "Whoa. Normally you hate when I do that. You're really shaken up, ain't ya?"

Shulk continued to stare into space. Reyn uncomfortably looked around and continued carrying the conversation.

"D'you ever see Dunban? I can't bring meself to it."

Shulk nodded. "Yeah. But it was the other way around. _He_ consoled _me._ "

Reyn's turn to nod. "That sounds like Dunban."

…

 _Shulk walked into Dunban's house. "Dunban?"_

 _He slowly walked upstairs and saw Dunban looking out the window. Dunban turned over. "Oh. Shulk. How are- WHOA!"_

 _Dunban slipped on the puddle of soup and fell onto his back. Shulk winced. Dunban, still on his back, turned to face Shulk. "How are you holding up?"_

 _"Uh, I think I'd rather know how you're holding up."_

 _"Shulk. I'm not going to cry for Fiora. She wanted you to be safe, and you are. I can't stop to cry every time someone dies. That's something I decided long ago. Several of my friends didn't make it back home. Like Mumkhar. He was a real stand-up guy, I wish you could've met him."_

 _Shulk faltered. "I… don't understand."_

 _Dunban closed his eyes. "No one ever really understands, Shulk. Just live, and that'll be all Fiora could have asked for."_

 _Dunban continued to lay on the floor and stoically turned his attention to the ceiling, opening his eyes to stare at it. Shulk looked around awkwardly. "Do… you want me to help you up?"_

 _"No."_

 _"All right."_

…

Shulk stood up. "I'm going after that Mechon. I'm going to kill it."

Reyn nodded. "Yeah we heard you when you first said it. I think your voice cracked."

"What?" Shulk briefly looked over to Reyn, but disregarded what he said, going back to his monologue. "Anyway… I'm going to kill it. With my bare hands, if I must."

 _Destroy them all, Shulk._

"Or rather, I'll destroy all of them." Shulk nodded. Reyn raised an eyebrow.

"Wait, you serious?"

"Yeah. I'm going to leave, and find it. Now, I understand if you don't want-"

"Woo! Count me in! Road trip, man!" Reyn raised a hand. Shulk stared at him. "Shulk, don't leave me hanging."

Shulk returned the high-five. "So you want revenge too?"

"Well maybe we don't have to destroy _all_ the Mechon, there's a lot of them. But we should probably see what's going on with the Mechon suddenly attacking again. And road trip! Road trip, Shulk!"

Shulk nodded. "Well… I guess it would be the first time we've really left Colony 9. We leave now. I've told Dickson, and I'm already packed."

Shulk held up a burlap sack and revealed the Monado strapped to his back. Reyn nodded.

"Me too." Reyn held out a toothbrush.

"Let's go, Reyn."

…

As Shulk and Reyn walked along the bridge, leaving Colony 9 behind, Dunban watched from his bedroom window.

"Shulk, Reyn… I'll catch up." Dunban walked away from the window and slipped on the soup puddle again. "Aah! I'd really thought I'd cleaned that up already!"

Elsewhere at the town entrance, Dickson watched the boys leave as well. He sighed nostalgically.

"That's my boy. All grown up… leaving to slaughter an entire army of robots… You did good, Dickson."

 **To be continued.**

* * *

 **Author's Notes:**

This chapter didn't really get off to a great start. I blame it on Tephra Cave, I hated that level. I usually hate early-game caves, they're always so boring.

I really feel like the Tephra Cave section wasn't the better half of the chapter. I punched it up best as I could, but I really don't think that section was ever going to be something great. I like the second half more, when Colony 9 is getting attacked, though overall I still prefer Chapter 1 so far. Then again, I didn't like Chapter 1 as much before, so maybe I'll look back on this one fondly as well. But it's like I said, slow starts are normal. I think once we start moving away from Colony 9 and Tephra Cave, it'll pick up.

I gave Metal Face some more description, just to make it sound even crueler than it already is. Because later on, we see just how depraved Metal Face is, so communicating it more now seemed like the right thing to do.

I also had a bit of a problem trying to juggle seriousness versus humor in the big climax scene. I think a way I'd like to interpret it is that out of Reyn, Dunban, Metal Face, and myself the author- none of us were taking that scene very seriously, only Shulk. Maybe Fiora. Oh and Shulk and Reyn can hear 'Engage the Enemy' whenever it plays.

I'm surprised I was able to make this chapter roughly match the length of Chapter 1. Give or take, but same general amount of content. And I didn't have to cut anything out to save it for this chapter, so that's neat. By the way, shout out to the fact that the Shulk reveal trailer for Smash Bros. was a year ago today.

I hope you all enjoyed this one, or at least you enjoy it more than Fiora did. [A/N: insert rimshot here] Oh, there will be more jokes at her expense, and not just from Metal Face. I'll see you on the next one.


	3. Author's Leftovers

**Pre-Story A/N: I've got good news and bad news.**

 **Bad News:**

I'll just get to the point. I'm thinking that this story's about as finished as it's going to be.

I _wanted_ this story to work, I really, really did. But first there were time constraints, then document issues, then I started having all these other ideas for other fics... And worst of all, I just couldn't get in the mind for this story, you know?

Maybe it was apparent throughout the first two chapters, but I just couldn't get comfortable writing for the Xenoblade universe. Some jokes I definitely liked (my version of Vangarre, Dunban being a troll, Floor Soup...) but overall I just couldn't connect with the source material like I could with Kingdom Hearts, or Sonic 06, or even Fire Emblem.

So 'never say die', maybe I will come back to this story someday, but I'm not counting on it.

 **Good News:**

Long ago, I did start on the third chapter of this story, I'll put up what I had _so far_. It'll probably be a little looser than everything so far, but I did try to tidy it up a bit. There was an idea for Alvis to narrate his scenes in first-person, but I mostly axed that in favor of regular narration.

And I'm not done with the good news. As a consolation prize, I will still write a Xenoblade plot parody. It will be much shorter and quicker than this. A oneshot fic. For a bit of closure. Think something along the lines of "Dragon Ball Kai Abridged", though we'll see how much of that is true once I'm finished writing...

So I apologize. I hate to do this, it makes me feel like I've failed. But I like to think I learned something. And I know what it's like to have a story discontinue on me, and I don't like it. So I'm sorry for doing that to you. But like I said, I'll do a quick story to try and make up for it.

And now without further interruption, I present... the "leftovers".

* * *

"All right," Shulk said. He turned to Reyn. "We leave Colony 9 now. And we won't stop until we have what we want."

Reyn nodded. "Yeah! And ain't nothin' gonna stop us! Show me a monster or a Mechon and I'll bash it!"

 _"Episode 3 – Reyn almost gets killed by a spider"_

* * *

Dickson watched Shulk and Reyn leave. He looked on wistfully.

"Shulk's certainly comin' along nicely…"

...

 _ **FOURTEEN YEARS EARLIER**_

 _A group of bundled-up people were traversing an unforgiving slope amidst a merciless snowstorm._

 _"Are we there yet? I'm pretty sure my left nipple has turned into an ice ether crystal now."_

 _The leading traveler grimaced. "Thank you for the visual, but no, we're still not there yet."_

 _"… How about now?"_

 _"Ask me that again, and once we find the legendary weapon, I'm going to shove it right up-"_

 _"Hey I forgot," asked a third person, "what are we looking for?"_

 _In the back of the group, a man with straw-toned blonde hair looked back. A brown-haired woman was holding her small child by the hand. The man spoke. "You know, we probably shouldn't have taken our four-year-old son all the way here to the mountain."_

 _The mother shrugged. "Eh. It builds character."_

 _The group made it to a tower. "Knock knockity knock-knock!" one of the travelers cheerfully called, while knocking on the door. It opened._

 _..._

 _Dickson was trudging through the snow, all by himself, failing to light his cigar._

 _"Lousy no-good blizzard… I swear, the things I do for that smug- Huh?" Dickson noticed that the door to the building was open. "Well, make things easier for me why don't ya. Not gonna complain about that."_

 _Dickson walked in and noticed that everyone was unconscious. He gave the room a cold, steely sweep. "No… they're dead. Guess it's true."_

 _"mmm… ah…" the little boy wiggled a bit, catching Dickson's attention._

 _"Guess it must've missed one." Dickson walked over. He noticed that the boy was curled up on the ground next to an altar. Upon the altar sat the Monado, bathing in a purple glow. Dickson nodded._

 _"All right, come along then." He picked up the little boy and slung him over his shoulder. "You're comin' back with me. And don't make me regret this."_

...

Dickson smiled warmly. "Good times…"

* * *

Shulk and Reyn were still on their path to Tephra Cave. Shulk turned to Reyn. "So, Colony 6 then?"

"Yeah man. They're the only other Homs colony left."

Shulk winced. "Wow. I mean… wow, it never really hit me before. Our town is half of what's left of the entire Homs race. That's… wow." He put a hand to his head. "I think I might be sick!" He slapped himself. "No. All the more reason to stop that Mechon!"

Reyn nodded. "Yeah. It ain't gonna get away with what it did to Fiora-"

"FIORAAAAAAA!" Shulk screamed at the top of his lungs. He looked and noticed Reyn acting confused. "Er, sorry."

Reyn slapped Shulk's shoulder with a wide grin. "'Ey don't worry about it, man! As long as we stick together, ain't nothing gonna happen!"

* * *

"Shulk, the big Caterpile is after me again!"

"Reyn hurry, there's a pack of Bunnivs after us! With swords!"

"AAAAH! SHULK, I TWISTED MY ANKLE!"

"Where'd all our food go?! Reyn, I think a Bunniv stole our provisions!"

"I wish Dunban were here!"

"REYN, LEAVE THE CATERPILE ALONE ALREADY!"

"AAAAAAAAAH!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Shulk and Reyn eventually made it to an open space within Tephra Cave. Shulk put his hands on his hips and nodded. "We got through that pretty good!"

They immediately fell onto the ground, aching with fatigue.

"Aaaaah. Shulk, I don' wanna move."

"Must… get… revenge… after nap."

Reyn's eyes popped open when he caught sight of something. "Yo. Shulk. Look over there." Reyn urged, without actually pointing. There were some dead soldiers nearby. "Traders from Colony 6."

"Yeah… we should…" Shulk yawned. "We should return them to the Bionis… after naptime."

"Now it's nap time!" Reyn said with enthusiasm, before going back to fatigue. "Who gets first watch-" Shulk let out a huge snore. Reyn sighed. "Aw man."

* * *

Reyn was sitting by the campfire he had made. "I wonder why the Mechon attack our colonies."

Shulk kept snoring.

…

 _"Finally, we get to the part where I figure into the story. Well, not quite, that's a bit later, but I think I can fit in enough foreshadowing for Shulk."_

 _Shulk and some man both appeared on a stone balcony, with chain fences and heavy fog. "I wonder if Shulk knew the significance of where we are. … Doubt it."_

 _Shulk seemed confused. He started turning around, calling for his companion. "Where… where am I? Reyn? Did you drag me away in my sleep because you saw a spider? Again?"_

 _There was some important foreshadowing to be had, thus the stranger spoke up. "Shulk, listen to me," he told Shulk, calmly. "You need to find the True Monado. Understood?"_

 _"Who are you? … Dad?"_

 _"Uh, no. Not even close. Shulk, if you wish to change your destiny, find the True Monado."_

 _"And then what?"_

 _"What?"_

 _Shulk pursued. "What do I do after I find the True Monado?"_

 _This certainly caught the stranger off-guard. "Oh. … Well… Use it. Yeah, that'll do. Use it, Shulk."_

 _Shulk raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean? Will it help me kill that Mechon?"_

 _"All that and more, Shulk."_

 _"Well I really only want to kill that one Mechon, so-"_

 _"Just do as I say, Shulk. Find the True Monado."_

...

Shulk's eyes shot open. "Ah! Reyn, what happened?"

Shulk noticed Reyn was surrounded by several spiders.

"Ugh. What a mess…"

 **To be... spiritually continued in another story.**


End file.
